Hera v. Ken Klaxton - Part 3: The Senatorial Pardons

The Senatorial Pardons Rally

The annual Bone Spur Ranch Freedom BBQ was already standing room only when Ken Klaxton stepped onto the stage.

A giant banner behind him read:

FREEDOM • BBQ • SENATORIAL PARDONS

The crowd erupted.

Klaxton raised both hands.

"My fellow Texans!"

Thunderous applause.

"For years, hardworking Republicans have suffered under the weaponization of government."

The crowd booed.

"They investigated citizens."

More boos.

"They investigated politicians."

Even louder boos.

"They investigated people who simply wanted to live their lives."

The crowd erupted.

"Even those who never had the opportunity to graduate elementary school."

The audience cheered wildly.

One man proudly waved a sign reading:

PROUD TO FINISH THIRD GRADE TWICE

Klaxton pointed toward him.

"That's the America we're fighting for."

The applause became deafening.

"Now, many of you were counting on President Grump's Freedom Fund."

The crowd became quiet.

Several supporters lowered their heads.

One woman began crying softly.

Klaxton placed his hand over his heart.

"But the corrupt courts shut it down."

The crowd booed.

"They said free money for loyal supporters was unconstitutional."

The boos became louder.

"But I have good news."

The crowd leaned forward.

"President Grump always has a plan."

Wild applause.

"He never forgets the people who support him."

The audience stood.

"He never abandons the forgotten men and women of Texas."

More cheering.

“Except when he goes golfing, or starts a war sending gas prices and food spiraling higher and higher.

The crowd froze.

Klaxton pointed toward the microphone.

"And now I'd like to hear from ordinary Texans. How can I help you?"

A man in overalls immediately rushed to the microphone.

"My name's Billybob Jimbo and I got arrested for DUI. Now, yeah, I was drunk, but it was only on a riding lawn mower on Interstate 35 at three in the morning when nobody else was driving anyway. Besides, I was under a lot of stress from all the weaponization by Biden. The police chief who arrested me was appointed when Biden was president, so if you really think about it, Biden arrested me."

The crowd erupted in boos.

Klaxton nodded sympathetically.

"That's terrible, Billybob. What do you want me to do about it?"

Billybob adjusted his cap.

"Can I get a Presidential Pardon?"

Klaxton smiled.

"Presidents issue Presidential Pardons. But when you elect me to the Senate, I'm introducing the Senatorial Pardon Act."

The crowd exploded in applause.

Billybob looked confused.

"Senatorial Pardons?"

"That's right," Klaxton declared. "Hardworking Texans shouldn't suffer because of government weaponization. Under my plan, senators will be able to issue Senatorial Pardons for state-level crimes."

A man in the back shouted:

"Does that cover fishing with dynamite?"

"Potentially."

Another yelled:

"What about my unlicensed alligator wrestling league?"

"Exactly the kind of thing we'll be looking into."

A third man waved an IRS letter.

"I traded my brother a pig for ten pounds of his killer weed, and now the IRS wants taxes from both of us. The stamp on the letter was purchased during Biden's presidency. Can I get a Senatorial Pardon?"

Klaxton pointed dramatically toward him.

"That's precisely the abuse we're fighting."

Far above the rally, Athena watched from a cloud in complete disbelief while Apollo laughed and Hera quietly gathered storm clouds.