Mars comes for a visit, and a laugh!
Apollo was lounging beside the crystal viewing pool when a red flash lit up Olympus.
A towering figure in crimson armor stepped out of the light. The gods rose at once.
It was Mars, Roman God of War.Apollo smiled.
“Mars! We don’t see you very often.”
Mars shrugged. “I’ve been busy.”
“War?”
“No. Watching human television.”
Athena groaned. “I’m sorry.”
Mars pointed at the viewing pool.
The screen showed a sleek Space Why presentation. A cheerful narrator was describing humanity’s glorious future among the stars.
Apollo grinned. “Perfect timing.”
Mars folded his arms. “What is this?”
“The Space Why Program.”
Mars watched in silence as the narrator promised millions of humans would soon settle his planet.
Apollo waited.
Athena grew concerned.
Finally Mars started laughing.
At first it was a chuckle.
Then a full laugh.
Then uncontrollable hysterics.
Olympus shook.
Columns cracked.
Several nymphs fled for safety.
Zeus strode in. “What in my name is going on?”
Apollo pointed. “Humans are invading Mars.”
Mars collapsed onto the floor, still laughing. “I can’t.”
“You aren’t worried?” Apollo asked.
“Worried?” Mars wiped tears from his eyes. “Those things?”
The screen showed smiling colonists jogging through a shiny habitat.
Mars laughed harder.
“Those people get exhausted just carrying luggage through airports.”
“Fair point,” Apollo conceded.
Mars finally caught his breath and pointed at the screen. “Wait… is the car guy still involved in this?”
Athena checked her notes. “You mean the rocket guy?”
“Yes. Him.” Mars groaned. “Oh no.”
Apollo looked confused. “You know him?”
“For twenty years he’s been trying to find the Old Ones.”
The room went quiet. Even Zeus leaned in.
Athena adjusted her glasses. “The Old Ones?”
Mars nodded. “Ancient Martian civilization.”
Apollo blinked. “There was an ancient Martian civilization?”
“Nope, not ever.”
“Then why is he looking for them?”
Mars looked toward the red planet with an unexpectedly gentle expression.
“When he was young he read a book.”
“What book?”
“Stranger in a Strange Land.”
Apollo nodded slowly. “I’ve heard of it.”
“Then he watched E.T.”
Mars stared at the rockets rising on the screen.
“The poor fool thinks he belongs out there somewhere.”
The room stayed quiet.
“He doesn’t want to conquer Mars,” Mars said softly. “He wants to go home.”
Apollo looked at the screen. “But he’s human.”
“I know.”
Athena closed her notebook.
“And Mars isn’t home.”
“No.”
Apollo thought for a moment, then smiled. “Will he ever stop searching?”
Mars watched the rockets for a long beat.
“No.”
Apollo smiled back. “Sad but fitting.”
Mars pointed at the screen, voice turning serious.
“Now let’s talk about what happens when his muscles disappear.”
Apollo immediately burst out laughing. “Have you seen him without a shirt?
Mars stood and began pacing.
“Let’s pretend they actually arrive. First their muscles start shrinking.”
He pointed at different diagrams.
“Then their bones lose density. Their hearts weaken. Their immune systems go strange.”
Apollo winced.
“After a few years they return home looking like angry scarecrows. And then they plan to operate heavy industrial equipment.”
Apollo examined the image. “That seems difficult.”
“Difficult?” Mars laughed.
“They’ll need three people and a committee meeting just to pull a lever.”
He dropped his voice into a construction foreman impression:
"Johnson! Throw that switch!"
A frail astronaut waddled across the screen.
“I’m trying…”
“Move faster!”
“Sorry Sir but I sneezed and fractured a rib.”
Apollo fell out of his chair laughing.
Mars wasn’t done.
“Then there’s the dust. The radiation. The temperature swings. The razor-thin atmosphere. The gravity that slowly betrays them.”
He spread his arms.
“Everything on Mars is actively trying to kill them. Earth tries to keep humans alive. Mars disagrees.”
Apollo was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe.
The presentation ended with a triumphant slogan:
SPACE WHY: THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY
Mars stared at it, then turned to Apollo.
“Do they know my planet doesn’t even have a decent barbecue restaurant?”
Apollo shook his head.
Mars pointed at the screen.
“They’re leaving Texas for that?”
Even Athena started laughing.
Zeus entered carrying a thunderbolt.
“What are we laughing about?”
Mars pointed at the pool.
“The humans think they’re invading my planet.”
Zeus watched for a few seconds, then handed Mars the thunderbolt.
“Hit the next presenter.”
Mars grinned. “Gladly.”
Apollo quickly raised a hand. “Wait!”
Mars paused.
Apollo pointed at the screen.
“They’ve got another presentation about colonizing Uranus.”
The room went dead silent for full second.
Zeus blinked.
“They want to colonize my WHAT?!?”
